1. ChefStack Automatic Pancake Machine
Turn your kitchen into an IHOP with the ChefStack automatic pancake machine. It can spit out perfectly shaped pancakes at the rate of 200 per hour. With that kind of output, efficiency is key. I suggest rounding up your friends and positioning their mouths next to the exit point in an “I Love Lucy” candy factory-esque display of flapjack gluttony. As the host, you can stand next to the machine squirting Mrs. Butterworth’s directly into their mouths like a trainer hydrating a really, really out-of-shape athlete.
There are a lot of gadgets out there to help people prepare food faster and more efficiently, but as you will see in this list, as fun as they are, not all of those gadgets make total sense.
2. Heidolph VV Micro Evaporator
When the police kick in your door and handcuff you in your “Star Wars” apron, calmly tell them that you aren’t running a meth lab. The gadget on your counter is actually a Heidolph VV Micro Evaporator and it is designed to distill flavored juice from just about any food. To prove it, all you need to do is pop a foodstuff into the flask where it is heated to boiling and the tasty condensation is collected. The liquid can then be added to other dishes without changing its overall color and texture.
3. Bob Evans sausage Gravy Dispenser
No Thanksgiving would be complete without gravy — which is why you need to step up your game with a full-fledged Bob Evans Sausage Gravy dispenser. And if you order today, you get four free cases of gravy! All of your guests could literally drown their entire meal in an ocean of gravy and you’ll still have enough leftover for your cereal in the morning.
4. Ham Dogger
Ask any carny (the masters of modern cuisine) and they will tell you that there are only two requirements for making any food better: shape it into tube form and put it on a stick. That’s where the Ham Dogger comes in. It makes it easy to form meat into hot dog shapes then stuff that freshly tubed beef with all kinds of unholy fillings. Once cooked, you can easily slide a kabob stick in there and complete your own midway masterpiece.
5. The Turkey Timer
Gravy is one thing, but we all know that turkey is the real star of the show. And to ensure you’ve cooked that bird correctly, you’ll need a timer that can do the job. This turkey timer pops up when the internal temperature reaches a perfect 165 degrees — but it does it in the most hilarious way. The arms pop up as if to say, “It’s goooooood!”
6. Wake n’ Bacon
How much better would mornings be if you woke up to the sounds and smells of sizzling bacon instead of a buzzing alarm? With Wake n’ Bacon, that dream can be a tasty reality. Before bedtime, you slip a piece of frozen bacon into the Wake n’ Bacon tray where it will begin cooking 10 minutes prior to your scheduled wake-up time. Unfortunately, it’s only a concept at this point — which is probably just as well because there’s no snooze button on this thing. That is, unless you’d count fire alarms and high-pressure water hoses as part of your snooze process.
7. Portable Watermelon Cooler
Now I know what you’re thinking — you don’t cook watermelon! Ordinarily that’s true, but if you lived in Japan you might think differently. That’s where this portable watermelon cooler comes from. And it doesn’t just cool off your watermelon, it can also heat it up. Ahh, what could be more refreshing than a hot watermelon on a summer’s day? Seriously, the only way this could be weirder is if you dressed up the watermelon like a baby and referred to this thing as a stroller.
8. DIY Six-Cheese Nacho Fountain
Have you ever seen the movie “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”? If you did, you might remember that Cal had a six-cheese nacho fountain at his wedding. Since then, it has been the dream of literally every man in America (whether they admit it or not) to have one of these at their own party. Well, one man made this dream a reality — building a towering tiered mountain of nacho cheese that’s not unlike a Mayan blood sacrifice. Only this time, the victims are those with lactose intolerance.
Thank you Heinz for coming up with a product that will surely change the world forever. It’s the Beanzawave, and it promises to be the smallest microwave in the world — just the right size for cooking a cup of beans at your desktop via the USB port on your computer. Let’s see — lots of employees, small office space, a microwave sitting right next to you on your desk and eating beans. Nothing embarrassing and horrible could possibly result from that situation.
10. Etienne Louis Espresso Maker
Does this thing make espresso or does it torture heretics, Spanish Inquisition-style? Believe it or not, the Saeco Etienne Louis is designed to make espresso only — but torture, like a good meal, is always best washed down with a nice cup of coffee. Of course, for many families, Thanksgiving might fall under both categories.